My First Son

The moment I found out I was pregnant I could not describe the feeling of pure ecstasy that I was

feeling. I had my son in the wee hours of January 4th, 2013, in Fort Sill, Oklahoma. He was born with a small hole in his lung, and had to be transported to Oklahoma

City Hospital, where he was in the NICU for a few days and very quickly recovered and came ho

me with us. He was strong, and beautiful, and the most perfect creation I had ever laid my eyes on. I was overjoyed at becoming a mother and finding the purpose I had always been searching for.

When we had our son, my husband and I were both in the process of being medically retired from

the Army and moving back to Arizona where Sam's family lived. The first year of his life was amazing, he was extremely loved, and I couldn’t bear to part with him longer than a few hours at a time. Every waking hour he consumed me. When I started messing up my love for him never faltered. It’s funny how people say they would never choose drugs over their child, because to me that was never an option. Being on a drug was like having an anchor attached to my leg pulling me under while I was kicking so hard with the other holding my son above water. It wasn’t like a fork in the road where my son was down one and drugs were down the other. It is not something that can be explained without going through it. I was weak to the power of this drug. I chose Beckham, I choose Beckham, and that will never change. The hardest part about this addiction for me was to finally come out on the other side and break free of the sickness without the opportunity to show him I am still here for him.

My first son,

I love you. I will always love you. I am so sorry I was sick and decided to not deal with my struggles and bottled them up instead. I am sorry for not being there for you like I should be. I am sorry that I missed so many birthdays and important moments in your life. I am here for you now, and always will be. When you come find me, then you are ready, I will be here waiting for you. I am sober now, and always cheering you on from a distance. You are my little warrior and always will be the light of my life. The half of my heart. No matter where you go or what you do, I will be with you. I am always asking about you and getting any information about you in every way that I can. You are so smart, and strong, and an absolute soccer star. You will always succeed in life in anything you set your mind to.

My blood, my light, my beautiful boy, I love you, always.

Your Mom